In my mind…

Who am I? How does one define one's self? Who are you? How do you define yourself? I Think I've said this before I am yet exploring this question. I know some things but on paper they seem trifle....On a mission to be, what i'm destined to be.

Pastor talked about students starting school in August esp international students today and that God has provided for us. U should have heard my Amen, It was the loudest. Lol. I have an appointment with a professor, one day after i got a rejection email from another. God hasn't finished with me yet and my Praise shall be continual.

I expect a lot from people, I expect hell of a lot from people I like. Some people e.g. my siblings I try not to project way too much expectation. Instead I try to make sure they stay focused and succeed on their chosen path. Some others, esp if I know you have not previously been doing the right thing, I expect you to be the best. This is bad, I think. Ms Pearl says I carry the weight of the world around. Lol, I doubt it.

Often my answer to why I act or even have some principles is that I am the first born. And then everybody argues that am I the only 1^st born, or they know first born's who are not like me. I Guess I'm the typical personality type A kind first born. Wikipedia definition: Type A individuals can be described as impatient, time-conscious, controlling, concerned about their status, highly competitive, ambitious, business-like, aggressive, having difficulty relaxing; and are sometimes disliked by individuals with Type B personalities for the way that they're always rushing. They are often high-achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about delays. Because of these characteristics, Type A individuals are often described as "stress junkies"

Common sense is really not common. Really!!!! Or maybe it's just the fact that we as human beings have desires, we want to fulfill certain needs and wants, and so even though we know what we are doing is not sensible, we continue. Till the next morning and the regrets flood in and the activities of last night don't seem worth the pain/agony you feel the next morning.

I'm just not sure what on earth will possess me to think about trapping a guy with pregnancy. I'm crazy about BB and though nothing, but if somehow it happened and I was pregnant, I doubt I will tell him or anyone for that matter. Yes I mean any single person. I will just hide for 9months and then put up a picture of my baby and me. But God forbid sha.

Which reminds me, timing is everything. Why am I saying God forbid to a child? I want children, someday. Children are the heritage of God, so at no point in time is a child ever a bad thing. But still, timing. What can I offer a child right now? I can barely pay my bills. But yea in every aspect of life, timing is the most important thing and a lil bit of luck if you ask me.

I've lost track of what I was going to say so. O yeah I remember.

I told BB that I miss him something terrible and he was like huh? I understood that he didn't get it but then I asked my BF and she said she hadn't heard it either. My coworkers knew what it meant thankfully. In real life i.e. outside of blogsville I speak very colloquial English or better still I use a lot of colloquial expressions. I tend to pick up words/sentences/phrases and I'm always surprised that others haven't heard it. The BF and I argued "something terrible" (ha, u see!) someday over some words I forget now but Thank God for urban dictionary. The way words work for me I guess might be slightly different from most but words (spoken or written) tend to resonate with me and I tend to not forget words though I might forget your actions (ironic if u ask me) but I rarely ever forget words. Btw "I miss you something terrible" "I miss you something fierce" are commonly used when someone has passed away.

So I don't sleep, tried to explain this to TayneMent the last time we saw, did I even tell u guys that we saw in Austin some weeks back. I introduced her to PF Changs and she and her friend took me sight sight-seeing, I seen the capital and had this really great ice-cream. Nways I digress, so she was like "o but you slept now when u were here". My explanation. I wake up every hour or two, sometimes I stay up for 15-30mins/one hr and I go back or I stay up all night. Some days I actually don't wake up cos I feel like I'm awake the whole time cos I'm actively writing/filming a story. As in its so freaking active and they are always so interesting. I find myself analyzing the story even in my sleep. I wish I had some kind of machine that could read/write& show me what the dreams are cos once I wake up I forget everything literally. Plus I don't toss around, so the only indications include scratches, feeling like I slapped myself, my heart racing, headaches, sweating or even feeling wet. I'm more groggy from mornings like this than when I wake up numerous times. So yea, does this happen to anyone else? I'm sad that I can't remember the stories cos I can swear they would make for record breaking movies, I mean they intrigue me even in my dreams. LOL

"If you press me to say why I loved liked him I can say no more than because He was He and I was I"…..Michel Eyquem de Montaigne ….. That's how I feel.


I often wonder that if my ONE, you know that perfect soulmate dies, like say before you marry or after having been married for only a while, if i will ever re-marry. (this is from watching way too many Lifetime movies & reading all this silly romantic novels btw)I don't think i will. If we don't have kids i'll just adopt and be happy with my kids. I know i'm weird. God forbid it sha, we shall never know this kind of sorrow in Jesus Name.

I'm not sure why I like love LDR's but I do. Does this mean I'm not ready for marriage? Remember a couple months back when everybody was all so lovey dovey, now we all hate boys on blogsville. LOL

Random Pseudo Poem – ties with my above statement. Couldn't give it a name, maybe cos it doesn't read like a poem to me.

It's hard to believe that your happiness is dependent on someone. Someone other than God that is!

Human, just like you, covered in skin. Same complexion as you actually!

Shades doesn't matter, heart makes the lover.

Maybe taller (well a lot taller)

Equally as intelligent (you are smarter though).

And all the other comparisons that come with.

Thing is you can almost bet that this is the happiest you have ever been.

Now even childhood memories, the happier times, seem irrelevant.

The moments spent apart and that spent together.

Countless hours on the phone, oh the joys of LDR's!

The 1^st kiss when he gets off the plane, that all so loving hug,

The smile that brightens his face when he takes a good look at you,

Passionate love making, like this could be your last,

Your happiest memories now include this person

And if you are anything like me, you smile at the realization of the fact that,

Your source of happiness is just a regular guy

J thatisall ….hoping your weekend has been fab, mine has been entirely boring but thats ok, although right now i feel like dancing and showing some skin :D

P.S I LOVE YOU