While i was away

Hi guys, how are you? It feels like its been forever since i was on here. I had so many things to say while i was away but i have this bad habit of not just wanting to write down idle thots, and i wasn't on twitter either so i think most of them i have forgotten or discarded but i will try to recall as much as possible.

While i was away, i thought a lot. I had a lot of free time on my hands in between studying and cooking( i really love to cook), i indulged in just thinking about myself, my needs, my wants, my desires and just trying to see if i understood myself. Some of the things i realized were,

I am extremely private. It's some kind of defense mechanism for me. Its not exactly a good thing.

I am a subservient person. In a way its my strength.

I love my new body. Yes i said new. Its extremely fun to walk around naked now. Plus there is something about appreciating my body, that has come with age. I just never got into my body, even when i was much smaller.

I am honest, so much so it bothers me when i bend the truth a lil. You know how you say it but you don't tell the full story and the person can interpret it to mean something else and you know you should have said something but you let it go. Its going to bother me for months now, i know.

I am very good at pretending. I just think i ought to fake it till i make it. It just seems like i've been faking it my whole life anyways. It also means that i feel fake the entire time.

I feel like i'm playing catch up a lot in my life. I feel inadequate a lot more and i feel like everyone can see that.
In a complete opposite turn tho, i am extremely confident in my abilities, and in my person. I think that my insecurities(not sure if thats the word i'm looking for) but the things that make me feel inadequate also make me very strong. The things i feel like i have not accomplished, the ways i think others are better than me, the things others can afford to do that i cannot..... make me have a story that most others don't have and i like my story so far. I want a change don't get me wrong but i also like the character that i have built over the years.

I love bb cos he is kind. I couldn't for the longest time figure out why i was in love with him. Not like i had to have a reason, but i wondered a lot, what the "it" factor was. I think for me its kindness. Even on the days he says/does things that inadvertently annoy me, i can always see the kindness in his heart. p.s if he doesn't know i'm in love with him without me saying anything he's a big goat.

I really want a baby/babies. I feel like thats my chance to create and mold something perfect. I think God laughs at me when i think this by the way, but i feel like thats my way to undo all the mistakes that have been a part of me. Not anytime soon sha, this dream i can wait for.

I don't want a big asking me to get married fanfare. I want a breakfast in bed, kinda deal. I want a band, no diamonds but something engraved. Apparently having diamonds is a really big deal (according to SBM) but i don't want that. Strangely enough i think instead of a ring, give me a key to my dream house.

My dream house is a bungalow(no stairs please) spread across acres of land, with my own personal toilet and Carrie Bradshaw's closet/ Hannah Montana(its bigger). lol

I want to take a camera across Africa and document so many things i feel like we don't show about Africa.

My friend said she's talking to 3 guys, i can't even get one guy to like me. I really am trying to understand this guys. I want guys lining up for me too. It just doesn't seem fair.

I gossiped, well that was yesterday with Femi, lol but i did. I felt sinful and good at the same time. Maybe i should gossip some more, lol.

I can't focus on one single thot at any point in time. Even when i'm praying. It really annoys me. I need help.

I love TV. I think America has the best offering for TV, in the limited countries i have been to, America is king. I love movies even more, i haven't been to the theatres in 5months though. I feel like they have a lot of good lessons.

Ok that's about it guys, i'm sure this was nothing like i had to say but o well. In some other news,

Its time to move guys, things have gotten bad. Sigh. what to do?  I need a job still, and people are getting jobs around me left and right. Do you think i'm cursed guys? like this is more than normal, is it not.

Natural hair campaign people crack me up. First off you are mad that some people are still relaxing their hair, then you are mad that people are turning natural for fashion, then you are mad cos people don't like their natural hair. Lol. You see these things on twitter, tumblr and blogsville and i can't help but laugh.

Will be back on Monday, i have so much new and good music to share with you, i'm excited.

P.S I LOVE YOU. Have a great weekend